A life replicated

I’ve really spent a great deal of time trying to understand why  I either didn’t notice or didn’t care about so many things in the beginning.  So what did I start noticing and made me feel quite worthless for some reason?

We hosted all the holidays and birthdays.  I work FT at a high level job.  Somehow being the good girl that I am….I would clean an entire house alone (no one thinks of scrubbing the floor boards for company but me….no one else paints trim for a dinner….)  I would also make at least 3 cakes from scratch and have 3 to 4 entrees with at least 4 sides.  Garlic bread or homemade cornbread or muffins…get the picture?  I could quite easily transition into a career as the head chef at a prison because I only do institutional sized meals……

They would come….all his family.  My own family scattered, torn and emotionally distant.  My kids would make an appearance for a few hours.  I was then left alone with the memories.  We went down memory lane…a street that I had never been to…I listened, I smiled, I eventually busied myself cleaning up while they laughed over their shared history.  I was an outsider.  I was the woman who made sure that holidays and birthdays were still celebrated, as a family, in the home they always had been.  I carried on what she had left when she died.  I stepped right into it.  It wasn’t my life though.  I felt very much after about 3 dinners that I was just the person who orchestrated their event.  I should have charged a fee for services rendered.  The stories became redundant and predictable.  Surprise would show on faces at how someone who know what happens next.  I wanted to scream.  Did you all have amnesia?  I’ve only been here for a year and I know how the story ends.  Get up and clean Mrs. C…..run……

#13 and I would laugh.  We would share our private jokes.  He’d brush my ass with his hand and give me a wink.  I’d melt.  At the end of every single dinner would come the predictable remark “Its nice to see #13 smiling again”.    ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM pull us all back to remember that she died.  ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM rinse repeat rinse repeat…He’s been smiling for a year….this isn’t new.  I didn’t find him suicidal at the side of the road.  Its nice to see him smile again……………………………………………………………..lets not forget why you are here Missy….

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *